If there are two definitive things that Lucy has taught me
it is that 1) death is eminent and largely goes unnoticed until it is right in
front of you and 2) time spent with children and loved ones is truly one of
God’s greatest gifts and is often wasted due to life’s distractions.
Lucy has already made me a better father. Prior to her
diagnosis, I was largely wrapped up in planning for the future; getting to the
next phase of life, the next kid, the new job, the next degree, the first
Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory. I didn't realize that I was missing one
of the most extraordinary events in life; getting to be a father to Johnny. Now
when I say being a father, I’m not talking about big things like weekends,
trips to the park, reading books, watching movies etc. I’m talking about the
little things. A little boy reaching his hand through his crib and asking me to
hold it while he falls asleep. Wanting me to make his toys talk to each other
and hold things. Watching him bust a move when he hears random background music
in a store. You only get one shot at seeing these things and cherishing them in
that moment before they are gone. I can’t believe Johnny is two. I feel like
before I know it he’ll be fifteen; people tell me all the time: “it goes by so
quick”. I always shrugged it off, assuming I would have more kids, assuming
there would be a next time.
The first weeks after the diagnosis, my mindset was that
Lucy was our cross to bear. Terrible things happen to people all the time:
cancer, wars, deaths of parents, car crashes, paralysis, etc. I just told
myself that this was our cross. This was one of those defining moments in our
lives. We were given the option to terminate the pregnancy when we found out
the diagnosis. In our hearts Brooke and I both knew, without even having to
discuss it, what our decision would be. We would choose to respect and honor
Lucy’s life and be the best parents we could be to her. The mistake that I made
was seeing Lucy as a cross to bear; a cross that my wife would physically carry
within her until birth and, shortly after, death. I now see that Lucy herself
is not the burden but rather a wonderful gift, a light. We named our daughter
Lucy for this reason, Lucy means light. She is our light which will illuminate this
world only for a brief moment, but a light that will remain in our lives
forever. Our cross is instead the same we all eventually bear; death and the
anxiety and grief that come with it, and the thought of what might have been
had our daughter not had this birth defect. For Brooke, that cross is also the
physical burdens which come with pregnancy. I cannot tell you how proud I am of
my wife for carrying Lucy to term.
We are excited to meet Lucy. I can’t wait to soak up all of
those little moments when I finally get to meet her. Whether it is two hours,
two days, or two months I will not miss a single one. And when they are over,
and all that remains is the sadness because she is gone, I will wait again with
the hope I will get to see her again made whole by God for all eternity.
My favorite movie is “It’s a Wonderful Life” and this
Christmas it will be hard for me not to think of Lucy. In it, the main
character George Bailey sees his own life as disposable and while talking to an
angel (Clarence) wishes he were never born. He then has the opportunity to see
all of the lives that he changed through his life and how truly wonderful the
gift of life is. My hope and prayer is that Lucy’s life has meaning. I hope
that, though it may be short, it may touch and change others' lives for the
better; I know it has changed mine.
John Tunink (Lucy’s Daddy)
